Tuesday, October 6, 2009

“Why Martians are Attracted to Big-Breasted Women,” a 2000 short story by Mike Resnick

“Why Martians are Attracted to Big-Breasted Women,” a short story written by award-winning science fiction author Mike Resnick, was first published in the January 2000 issue of Analog. Available through Fictionwise for just 49 cents, here are the opening lines of the story:

H. Rider Haggard knew. He tried to warn us.

So did Edmund Hamilton and Henry Kuttner and Jack Williamson.

You think not?

Then try this on for size: "Her hair was golden and flowing, her cheeks prominent, her eyes a brilliant blue, her firm alabaster breasts high and proud."

That was Kuttner. And now here's Kuttner as Lewis Padgett, one of his many pseudonyms: "Her firm alabaster bosom quivered in fright."

Knowing what we know about them now, it's hard to see how a Martian could resist. (And not a lot of them did. Resist, I mean.)

Then there was the old Lensman himself, E. E. "Doc" Smith. He wasn't much for describing his women once he got beyond their hair color and weaponry, but he managed this one: "She placed her hand to her full, ripe alabaster breasts."

You know how many copies of that wound up on the Red Planet? (Just in case you ever wondered why the pulps that carried Doc's old stories are so rare and so expensive, now you've got your answer.)

Take a look at the magazines back when Ed Hamilton and Jack Williamson were destroying and saving the galaxy every other week. Be honest now: did you ever see a description of ivory skin, or golden skin, or supple Nubian skin?

Come on, admit it. You never did. Not even once. ...

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Please consider making a donation to Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

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