Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Boston Globe newspaper taps canals for delivery to domiciles on Mars

Newspaper Taps Canals for Domicile Delivery on Mars
The Planetary Traveler, May 6, 2049
By Martin Gibson

NEW YORK -- A historic deal reached early Wednesday morning between The New York Times Company and the Water Workers’ Union could deliver the company’s prized asset, The Boston Globe newspaper, to the doorstep of every domicile on Mars.

Under the deal, reached shortly after 3:00 a.m. this morning in New York, the Water Workers' Union on Mars agreed to allow The New York Times Company to use the red planet’s extensive network of canals to establish domicile delivery routes for both the daily and Sunday editions of The Boston Globe. In exchange, the company guaranteed that members of the union will be exempt from any work activity related to or caused by the delivery of the newspaper. Union members also will be entitled to a lifetime subscription to the highly-coveted publication.

Pressed for details, Arthur O. Sulzberger IV, chairman of The New York Times Company, issued a statement from the company’s headquarters in midtown Manhattan: "We are pleased with the opportunity to grow The Boston Globe beyond Earth and to utilize a unique transportation system for its delivery to domiciles on Mars."

Supreme Goodmember Arnie Kott of the Water Workers’ Union released this statement from his undisclosed office in Lewistown, on the surface of Mars: “You know, this agreement is a win-win-win-win situation. The New York Times Company will get more business, readers on Mars will get slightly-dated copies of The Boston Globe delivered to their doorsteps, off-book entrepreneurs on both planets will still be able to get a piece of the broadside action, and Union members won’t have to do a thing.”

Meanwhile, the Skynet is buzzing with rumors that The New York Times Company is in discussions with Martian aborigines, known as the Bleekmen, to deliver The Boston Globe to the domiciles of subscribers by paddling gondolas through Mars’ system of canals. According to one anonymous source, the Bleekmen would serve as unpaid volunteers. A representative for the Bleekmen could not be determined.

Since its purchase in 1993, The Boston Globe has produced an estimated $25 billion in losses for the privately-held The New York Times Company. In a recent GSEC filing, the company’s auditor noted that the loss is just a paper loss and is designed to generate significant tax advantages for the Sulzberger family.

Martin Gibson is an independent journalist. He is a graduate of the Journalism School at Columbia University and has had several pieces of short fiction published.

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